Drink, Drank, Drunk

Apparently, my dedication to blogging is inversely proportional to the amount of alcohol I drink. And after a few Old Style's at last night's Smokies game, I am not feeling very dedicated today.

Here's the deal, folks (I love calling people "folks," especially when I give made-up closing arguments in my bedroom to juries consisting mostly of stuffed animals...just kidding, I haven't done that since law school): I've been going out a lot lately. Sometimes on dates, sometimes with friends, and sometimes all by myself. (No, I don't really go out by myself. I just ended up by myself this past Saturday night when my friends, whom I'm now referring to as "Eddie and the Boozers," got "tired" and bailed on me at 11 o'clock. Which is how I ended up talking for two hours to Steve Dupree, whom I'd never met before, but whom I totally recognized from his articles in CityView Magazine and from his bit part in The People vs. Larry Flynt. It was an interesting evening, to say the least.)

It's just hard to be an avid blogger when your days are consumed with, well, consuming. And the nonstop debauchery will be continuing for at least another couple of weeks, as my schedule for the month of May includes (so far):

May 1-3: Going to Louisville with my friend "Kenny" (who might just be the funniest person I've ever met) for the Kentucky Oaks and the Derby;

May 5: Bebiendo muchas cervezas (for Cinco de Mayo, of course);

May 9: Hopefully going out with LaToya (all the LaToya fans can come out and get an autograph, or maybe she'll flash you a boob);

May 10-13: Going to Biloxi with Philly (fo' free!); and

May 16: Going to my nephew "The Denominator's" high school graduation, and getting him drunk afterward (just kidding, sis).

I swear I'm coming back soon. Or later.

P.S. I'm sure y'all can tell that I love giving people nicknames. Until recently, my favorite nickname of all time (which I can't even take credit for, dammit) was "SAM," which stood for Sexually Active Matt. After this weekend, I have a new favorite. "S.T.Dave". And no, I didn't bestow this nickname based on personal experience. It's based on rumors, which I find to be a completely reliable source.

Party Foul

To the drunkass-hole whom I let borrow my phone last night (because he'd already lost his, which probably should have been a red flag, but, you know, hindsight is 20/20) and who, after making a call placed my phone directly into his vodka-and-Redbull:


Technically the phone still works, but it now vibrates constantly. Even when it's turned off. When I make a call, it sounds like there's a weed eater against my ear. Guess I'll be making a trip to Verizon tomorrow. :(

The Cupcake Conundrum

Yesterday, someone at my office brought in homemade cupcakes (yellow cake with chocolate frosting--my favorite), and today someone else brought in cupcakes (this time, pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting). Both were absolutely delish.

After stuffing my face with (ahem, several of) these confections, I got to thinking about cupcakes in general. I know they've been all the rage in New York and L.A. for the past several years (and in Knoxville for the past, um, year), but I'm not really sure why. Because, when you think about it, cupcakes are about the most awkward, hard-to-eat dessert there is.

First of all there's the process of removing the wrapper, during which I usually get about half of the cupcake's frosting on my fingers.

Next there's the problem of biting into the cupcake, which I find to be nearly impossible to do without getting the remaning frosting on my nose.

Furthermore, aside from the fact that most of the frosting ends up on my fingers and nose, the shape of a cupcake is not conducive to frosting anyway, because inevitably I will eat the top half of of the cupcake first, leaving an entire bottom half with no frosting. Oh the humanity.

Why in the world have these disasters-waiting-to-happen become so popular??? Much less at weddings? I just don't understand.

Personally, I would much prefer to eat a slice of double-layer cake or, even better, triple-layer cake. If I put the slice of cake on its side and eat it with a fork, I can usually manage to get a little bit of frosting with every bit, and when I get to the end of the piece, there is an abundance of frosting (because that's the outside of the cake). I like to think of that as my own private happy ending (much more innocent than the massage kind.) Also, when I'm finished eating, I don't look like the pictures from a one-year-old's birthday party.

Not that I'm complaining about the cupcakes at the office. If these ladies are willing to keep making them, I'm certainly willing to keep eating them. I'm just pointing out that "popular" doesn't always mean "best." (Actually, it rarely does.)

Overheard at Walgreens

Conversation between customer and employee:

Customer: Would it be okay if I open the packaging on this hairbrush and try it out before I buy it? I'm not sure it's going to work on my hair.

Employee: Um...I think it would be better for you to buy it, take it out to the parking lot, try it there, and then if it doesn't work, you can return it.

Customer: Oh. I just won't get it then. I wasn't even planning on coming here tonight, but I had to at the last minute. You can't LIVE without toilet paper, ya know?

Fuckin' right you can't.

Pet Peeve #478

"We're pregnant."

No, ONE of you is pregnant. (Unless both of you are puking every morning for a couple of months, gaining 30-40 pounds, and then pushing a person out of your nether regions.)

Can't you just say we're having a baby?

And speaking of having babies, I really enjoyed this story on Today this morning.

I Do...Not.

An acquaintance of mine recently found herself loathing the man to whom she was betrothed, and, in planning to break off the engagement, she wondered whether she would have to return the gorgeous ring he had given her. Today, while I was researching something entirely different at work, I came across her answer.

In Crippen v. Campbell, the facts were the following: Man proposed to Woman, at which time he placed an engagement ring on Woman's finger. At some point the engagement came to an end (the opinion does not reflect who broke it off), and Man requested that Woman return the ring. When she refused, he filed a lawsuit to recover it.

Both parties filed motions for summary judgment (basically asking the trial court to dispose of the case in their favor without holding a trial, because the facts are such that no jury could find for the other party), and the trial court granted Woman's motion, noting that the "gift" from Man to Woman was final upon Woman's acceptance, regardless of what happened thereafter.

Man appealed. The Tennessee Court of Appeals reversed and granted summary judgment in his favor, finding that an engagement ring is an impliedly conditional gift and is completed only upon marriage. Thus, if a marriage does not ensue, Man (or whoever gave the other person a ring) is entitled to the return of the ring.

Conclusion: Woman had to give it back.

So, Guys, if you've been dumped by your fiance (or even if you've dumped her, I suppose) and she's refusing to give back the ring, you do have legal recourse. Ladies, if you're hoping to sell the ring or make it into a lovely necklace, you had better hope that your ex doesn't know the law.*



*Disclaimer/C.Y.A.: Any opinions expressed herein are those of the author and should not be relied on without further assistance of counsel.