Stream of Consciousness

(Note: This monster-of-a-post was actually written on Thursday night, but since I don’t have Internet at home right now, I had to type it as a Word document, save it, and copy and paste it into Blogger at work this morning. My friends, that’s dedication.)

I’m running a low grade fever right now, and it’s just warm enough for my brain to be a little fuzzy. This should make for some interesting blogging. Also, I have so much to write about!

First of all, as for the fever, I haven’t quite figured out what is causing it. My throat’s been sore since Sunday, and usually when I have a sore throat like that, it means I’m getting a cold. However, said sore throat also usually only lasts a day or two, and it’s definitely been longer than two days. I don’t feel sick enough to have strep throat, and I’ve already had mono, so who knows. It’s probably just a terrible cold that’s taking its sweet time to “brew.”

Secondly, I love how, whenever I’m sick, everyone I know has a different suggestion for what I should do/take to get better. One of my aunts, for instance, is convinced that Alka-Seltzer will cure absolutely anything, maybe even AIDS. Philly, on the other hand, believes that apple cider vinegar is the remedy to end all remedies, so she suggests drinking as much of it as I can possibly stand. Which, I’m here to tell you, ain’t much. And then there’s Teeny, who is a veritable treasure chest when it comes to home remedies. She told me to take four thousand milligrams of Vitamin C (not an exaggeration) and to use ear candles, as she claims this one-two punch recently cured her own case of strep throat.

Personally, I’m a big fan of sleeping it off. But then, I’m a big fan of sleeping in general.

Also, I have recently proven my own theory, which is that, although I may only be 26, I have the body of an 85-year-old woman. I mean, it’s not wrinkly (yet), but I do have the joints (and ailments…see: shingles) of an octogenarian. You know those pill boxes with a separate compartment for each day of the week? I am now officially carrying one of those in my purse. And each slot is FULL. True, some of that is vitamins and supplements, but still. Octogenarian.

In other news, as you may or may not have gathered from my vague references, Slim and I were recently seeing each other again. Don’t ask me why; I don’t know. I think it was clear to both of us that that ship had sailed a long time ago, but leave it to us to beat the proverbial dead horse. And leave it to me to use one too many metaphors in once sentence. Point is, when I got home from Tunica the other day, we talked on the phone and pretty much came to the mutual conclusion that, whatever passion we may have once had (and I’m not even sure we did), it’s completely gone now, and we’re really doing each other a disservice by pretending we’re still in love.

And that was that.

I don’t know if men have radar or what, but I swear to you, not even twelve hours after the “breakup,” I heard from another guy whom I used to date, all the way back in early 2005. And he doesn’t even live here any more. He said he might be coming to town soon, and he’d like to take me to dinner while he’s here. I don’t know that it would lead to anything, but the timing certainly is interesting.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though. Philly warned me about men “coming around again” (she’s such a Carly Simon fan). Of course, this particular guy didn’t really go out of my life willingly; I just sort of stopped talking to him. Perhaps it was the lack of a dramatic ending that has kept him intrigued. It’s just not what they’re used to.

So…The Office just came on, and I don’t care if it is a rerun, this shit is funny. I mean, how can you not love these people? I could totally do a show about The Firm. I should look into that.

Alright, back to my (mental) list of things I wanted to write about. There’s just so much. So, Philly and I got back from Tunica the other night, and while I was gone, my landlords came to fix my toilet, which had been running constantly for, like, the past three weeks. First of all, the thought of someone being in my apartment really bothers me in general. It’s not that I have anything to hide; I just don’t like the idea of someone looking through my shit. And who are we kidding, you know you look through people’s shit when you know you won’t get caught. To make matters worse, it appears that my landlords didn’t bother to bring a towel with them, and I don’t know what went down while they were here, but a) the bathtub was filthy, and b) my hand towel—yes, my hand towel—was draped over the side of the tub, still soaking wet. What the fuuuuuuuuuck. Is this acceptable landlord behavior? I think not.

Random interjection: I can not get the bottle of NyQuil open. And all of my neighbors are girls. What the hell am I supposed to do here? Also, the TV just asked what 3 Rock times 10 Rock is, and the answer was “30 Rock!” Um, no, I believe it’s 30 Rock squared. Boo-yah, NBC. (Twenty minutes later: After several attempts, involving rubber gloves, a towel, salad tongs, and pliers, I have finally opened the bottle of NyQuil. Let it never be said that I let child-proofing get the best of me. Candy—1, NyQuil—0.)

Second random interjection: I just called Target to get a $16 late charge on my credit card bill removed, and the guy on the phone told me he could credit me seven dollars. “That’s not what I want,” I said. “I want the whole sixteen dollars credited. I sent my bill before it was due, and it arrived one day after the due date. Also, I paid the balance in full.” “Okay,” he said [in an accent I could barely understand, of course], “I see you have been our customer for more than ten years, so I am going to credit sixteen dollars to your account. Your new balance is zero.”

Tee hee hee. (I would like to note, however, that I have not been a Target credit card customer for ten years. Ten years ago, I was 16. But I didn’t tell him that. On the other hand, I have been shopping at Target for more than ten years, as evidenced by the fact that, while I still had my baby teeth--thank goodness--I once fell flat on my face in Target, resulting in my two front teeth being just a little bit gray until they fell out and my permanent ones grew in. Which just reiterates the point that Target owed me that sixteen dollars. For pain and suffering.)

Okay, back to the trip to Tunica. Before now, I had never stayed in a casino for five straight nights. Well, except in Vegas, of course, but that doesn’t count, because in Vegas I rarely make it back to my room before dawn. But I digress. What I learned on this trip is that, once you’ve spent about three nights staying in a casino hotel and have eaten the majority of your meals in that same casino’s restaurants, it starts to feel like, well, home. I got so comfortable that, eventually, I wasn’t even taking my purse with me to the casino, just my ID and some cash. When I got hungry, I went to the “kitchen” (the buffet), and when I wanted something to do, I went to the “living room” (the poker room) or the “den” (the Keno lounge). When I got tired, I went back up to the bedroom. I am such a casino rat.

Incidentally, Tunica is the first place I’ve ever eaten at a casino buffet. In Vegas, we never eat at the buffet, as there are so many other interesting options. I’m not a big fan of buffets in general, because I don’t like how everyone’s getting up to get more food at different times, so you never really eat together. Also, I don’t normally eat enough to get my money’s worth at all-you-can-eat buffets. However, in Tunica, eating at the buffet is the same price (or less) as any of the other restaurants, so that’s where we usually end up eating. And where else would we be able to have lasagna, enchiladas, and General Tso’s chicken, all on the same plate? Gross.

As for the poker, I didn’t win any tournaments this time, which I blame partly on the fact that I was sick, partly on the fact that I didn’t catch cards the entire time I was down there, and partly on my lack of skill. Okay, mostly on my lack of skill. I did sit beside a true “pro” (Was he a pro? At this point, we don’t know. If you get that reference, you’re my new best friend.) during the World Series of Poker Circuit tournament that I entered, and that was pretty cool. He wasn’t famous or anything, but he was a damn good card player. Also a total ass, but that’s to be expected. With more than 600 people, this was by far the biggest tournament I’ve ever entered, and even though I only lasted five and a half hours, it was still really fun. I felt like I was at the real WSOP main event.

Because I wasn’t feeling well, I spent a lot of time in the hotel room, mostly reading and watching CNN. I read two cute books that I had recently ordered from Amazon: French Milk and I Was Told There’d Be Cake. (Apparently I am more likely to order books that have food or drinks in the title.) What I did not do was get on the Internet, for FIVE DAYS STRAIGHT. I was soooo jonesing by the time I got home. Naturally, as soon as we walked in the door at Philly’s, I ran straight to the computer and got on Facebook to look at all the status updates I had missed. Philly does not understand why this was so pressing. I’m not sure I do either.

Before we left Tunica, Philly and I stopped at the Gap Outlet, which has become somewhat of a tradition for us, mainly because we both have raging shopping addictions. I am not kidding—it’s bad. At least on my part. Only a few days before, I had received several items that I had ordered online from Old Navy, and how sad is this: For the first time ever, they got one of my items wrong (it was supposed to be a pink-and-white-striped pullover sweater, and instead they sent a solid black cardigan…however, it was my size…), and instead of calling to complain, I just decided to keep it. Philly is convinced that I have ordered so many clothes from Old Navy that they have decided to assign me a personal shopper, and she (or he) thought I would like the cardigan more than the pullover. Of course, I already have two other black cardigans, but this one is different. And new.

Confessions of a (Bargain) Shopaholic.

Finally, upon returning to work on Thursday, I came to the realization that, once you’re in the real world, vacations can sometimes be more trouble than they’re worth. Sure, it’s nice having a few days away from the office, but good Lord is it a pain when you have to come back to an overflowing inbox and a whole new pile of work. Sheesh.

Okay, are y’all tired of me yet? (Yes.)

I’m out. (Literally, that NyQuil is starting to kick in.)

In Denial About My Age

Someone recently pointed out to me that, for being 26 years old, I sure do have a lot of clothes from American Eagle, a store whose target audience is people about 10-12 years younger than me. What can I say, I really liked what they were selling in Fall 2007 and Spring 2008. (Not so much Fall 2008, though. Very meh.) On the other hand, I did feel kind of silly when I took some clothes into the dressing room at A.E. last year, and one of the sales girls asked me if I was buying clothes for Spring Break. (On the other hand, I guess that means I look young enough to still be going on Spring Break, so that's pretty cool.)

Another store I occasionally shop in, whose target audience is (spoiled) teenagers, is Abercrombie. I would like to say, however, that I refuse to buy anything from A&F that is not on clearance, and also that I think the volume of the music in there is ricockulous. I do like the overpowering smell emanating from it, though. In fact, the three items I bought there last week have that smell (which, according to Wikipedia is their Fierce cologne) practically embedded in the fibers, which I just love. I'm such a sucker for good marketing.

But this leads me to my question (wow, I've really rambled today), which is: Would it be weird if I wore a fragrance that is *technically* made for men? I mean, should it matter which gender it's designed for, as long as the scent makes me happy? I've been wearing Body by Victoria for a couple of years now (which, by the way, I always get complimented on), but I'm ready for a little variety. Just something I'm pondering.

By the way, I'm leaving this afternoon to go to Tunica for a few days. Wish me luck in the poker tourneys.

Like You Care.

I dreamed last night that I was going to be in a production of the Broadway musical Hairspray...on ice. However, since I'm not the greatest ice skater, my character was going to spend most of her time sitting in a recliner.

Just thought I'd share that with you.

Better Get Moving.

Someone much less intelligent and not nearly as attractive as me (Slim) recently pointed out that I would get a hell of a lot more done if I would spend less time making lists and more time doing other things. I took one look at him and said, "Get the hell out of my apartment, you fucking asshole bastard loser" (which is my new favorite term that I had been looking for an opportunity to use), and then I happily went back to my list-making. From now on, I bet he'll think twice before he criticizes the way I spend my time.

Incidentally, the list I was working on at the time was called Things I Want To Do Before I'm 30, and because I have nothing else to do right now (except write that damn brief that I'm supposed to be working on), I've decided to share it with you.

1. Go back to school. I'm not sure that I'm sold on the idea of being a lawyer. For one thing, I don't really like sitting at a desk all day. Also, I don't like dressing up. So, I recently ordered one of those GRE prep books, and I think I'm going to go back to school and get a master's degree. At some point.

2. Work in a bar or winery. When I recently told one of my manfriends that I wanted to work as a cocktail waitress, he looked at me like I was crazy. "Candy, he said, "you have a law degree." So what? There are certain things I want to do in my life, and I don't think the fact that I have a law degree should keep me from doing them. I also think it would be fun to work in the tasting room at a winery.

3. Go to Europe. I've been to Europe twice. When I was 16, I went with my high school marching band to London for a week (okay, you can stop laughing now), and when I was 18, I spent a few weeks in Spain and a few days in Portugal. There's a lot more that I want to see, and as soon as that $5,000 that I'm supposed to be getting from Grandma comes through (damn probate), I'm going to plan a 4-6 week trip.

4. Write a book. I already have my topic and title; now I just need to sit down and actually write the damn thing. It's nonfiction, in case you're wondering.

5. Take a Southern roadtrip. I am such a geek that I've already planned the route I would take across the southern half of the United States. Preferably in an RV.

6. Spend two weeks in California. I want to start in wine country and work my way south, ending up in San Diego. I figure it'll take me a couple of weeks to see everything I want to see, including my family, which is split among Fresno, LA, and prison.

7. Live in another city. This Knoxville Girl needs to experience life outside of this town! Maybe I'll go to school somewhere else, although just the thought of not being at the University of Tennesssee makes my insides hurt. I think it's all that orange blood coursing through my veins.

8. Start a new blog. I've thought about starting an anonymous one (because there are sooo many things I've wanted to blog about but haven't been able to), but I think people would know it was me. So now I've decided that I want to start a topic blog. I'm still thinking on the topic.

Cinemaholic

There aren't many TV shows that I think are worth watching. Thursday nights on NBC are an exception, as are some of the shows on the premium channels. And who doesn't love the History Channel? (I'm guessing a lot of people.)

Point is, I would much prefer to spend my evenings watching movies than watching mindless TV, and I have been watching a LOT of movies lately. I've decided to go movie-critic on you today, and share my opinions on some of the ones I've seen in the past few weeks.

Note: With the exception of one, these are all movies I have gotten from either Netflix or On Demand (i.e., they're not new).

The Squid and the Whale
Three stars. The kid who plays the character that cusses all the time was the highlight for me. I think he's gonna go places. This movie is subdued, kind of like a Wes Anderson film, but it has some funny moments.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
One star. I liked the first one, but this one was not good.

The Savages
Three stars. Good acting, but rather depressing. I mean, it's about putting someone in a nursing home, and how exciting can that be?

Coal Miner's Daughter
Four and a half stars. I love this movie so much that I've watched it three times in the past three weeks. Sissy Spacek totally deserved the Oscar she won for playing Loretta Lynn. Oh, Doo.

Slumdog Millionaire
Four and a half stars. This is a great movie, but you've probably already heard that from everybody else. I thought it was really sad. But, compared to a lot of the other crap that came out this year, it's a damn masterpiece.

Hostel
One star. I know several people who saw this movie when it was at the theater, and they all told me the same thing: Don't go see this movie. I knew it was about torture, which completely repulses me, but curiosity got the better of me when I noticed that it was On Demand last week. All I have to say is, I hope I never piss off the guy who wrote that screenplay. His imagination runs a little too wild.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Four stars. Casey Affleck and I would totally be a couple, if not for that pesky wife of his. His acting in this movie is wonderful, and Philly and I have agreed that he is way sexier than Ben. I just think all of the acting in this movie is great, and if you haven't seen it, then you should make that a priority. Like, maybe this weekend, when it's eight degrees outside (at least, where I live).

The Darjeeling Limited
Three stars. I really liked how this movie started off, but it sort of lost me near the end. There were some things I loved, though, like the idea for laminated itineraries. I am so doing that for my next vacation. I really like what Wes Anderson does as a director, but I'm still waiting for a movie that I like as much as The Royal Tenenbaums. None of his other films have come close to that one, in my mind. And I think he and Owen Wilson might be butt buddies.

The Verdict
Three stars. Philly told me I should watch this movie because, you know, it's about lawyering and such. I liked it, but I think it's one of those movies that you have to watch a couple of times to really appreciate.

Bobby
Four stars. I seem to remember that this movie didn't get the best reviews when it came out, but I really enjoyed it, especially the montage right before Robert Kennedy gets shot, set to the song The Sounds of Silence. Very moving.

Gone Baby Gone
Three stars. It would have gotten four, except for the fact that I had to rewind every other scene to figure out what the hell Casey Affleck's character was saying. (I still love you, Casey.)

I'm Not as Sweet as I Used to Be.

I have decided that you are just not a true Southern woman unless, at least once a month or so, something happens in your life that brings to mind a line from the movie Steel Magnolias.

For instance, a little while ago I was thinking about how depressed I always get around this time of the year, and I couldn't help but hear Ouiser's voice in my mind: "I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for the last 40 years!"

I think I've been in a bad mood for the last four years. Although there are certainly people out there who would say I'm just crazy.

I'm sorry I haven't blogged much lately, but the wireless Internet at my apartment has once again become "unavailable," and I haven't really had time to do any posting at the office. (Damn plaintiffs' cases are driving me nuts.) If I had been without Internet at home a couple of years ago, I think I would have gone insane (I couldn't have lived without Instant Messenger), but now I'm kind of enjoying the freedom. At least I have something to look forward to when I get to work in the morning. (Checking Facebook, of course.) And I've certainly been getting my money's worth from Comcast's On Demand service.

I'll try to post something more substantial (and interesting) soon.

Friday Five

A few random facts about me:

1. I wash my face with Johnson's Head-to-Toe Baby Wash. Because it's tear-free, of course.

2. Even though the girls on The Hills represent everything I dislike about females, I still watch the show. Where else am I gonna get fashion ideas?

3. I am not allowed to have a cat at my apartment, per my lease agreement. But I'm thinking about getting one anyway. And I am so getting it one of these.

4. I have been eating ridiculous amounts of banana popsicles lately. I always crave them when I'm hungover (which is probably my body's way of telling me that I need to eat a freakin' banana). One morning I actually brought one to work and ate it for breakfast.

5. I can take naps in socks, but when I go to bed at night, the socks have got to come off. Otherwise, I'll never fall asleep.

Lingerers

Are you stag or drag?

This is usually the first thing out of Philly's mouth when I talk to her on the phone on the weekends. What she means is, are you by yourself, or do you have one of your no-good ex-boyfriends tagging along? Odds are, the answer is "drag."

Guy and Doll

All of the comments about "Pinto" and Animal House have reminded me of my first "date" with Bud, way back in 2001.

It was my freshman year at UT, and Bud was the cute frat boy I'd been making eye contact with during rehearsals for All Sing, which my sorority and his fraternity had partnered up for. That year, we were performing numbers from Guys and Dolls.

On the night of the dress rehearsal, Bud and I were standing in line to show our student ID's, which you had to do to prove that you were a student (so none of the groups could cheat by bringing in professional singers). We finally had our first conversation, when he noticed that we both had big cracks across our ID's. (Mine was cracked because I usually kept it in my shoe when I went to the Campus Pub on Wednesday nights in my black stretchy pants with no pockets, and I didn't take a purse. Give it up for 2001!)

After All Sing, Bud and I started "talking," which was, in my mind, a precursor to dating, and in his mind (I assume), a precursor to sex. Like most college students in 2001, we did the majority of our talking on IM (the precursor to texting) and at parties (while we were drunk). Since Bud had neither money nor a car, there weren't a whole lot of options when it came to dates. For our first one, he invited me over to his dorm room to watch Animal House.

First of all, in typical Bud fashion, Bud had signed up late for university housing, and had therefore been assigned to a room on a floor that had strict visitation rules, meaning girls were not allowed to come over on weeknights. Of course, this was a weeknight. So I had to sneak in.

Second of all, true to his penchant for disobedience, Bud had stolen most of the furniture from his dorm's study lounge and had used it to furnish his room. So there we sat on the university's "couch," getting ready to watch Animal House, which I'd never seen before.

Luckily (luck be a lady tonight...), we did have the room to ourselves, as Bud's roommate had left school to enter rehab, after Bud came home one night to find him nearly dead from some kind of overdose and had called 911. Typ.

I don't remember much about that night, except being embarrassed when the cheap beer I was drinking (well, he offered) made me burp about fifty times. (How attractive.) And I definitely don't remember a thing about the movie. As if I could have paid attention to the TV during a time like that! You could have cut the sexual tension in that room with a knife.

And so began the saga.

2009 Resolutions

It would be completely out of character for me to have just one New Year's Resolution, because, after all, making lists is what I do best. So, here is my list of Things To Do in '09:

1. Volunteer, preferably with children. I've always thought I would be a good elementary school teacher, but it appears that life has taken me down a different path. Still, I would like to be involved with children in some way, and since I don't plan on having any of my own for a long time, I think volunteering would be a good way to get in some quality time with the little people.

2. Read more. When you spend as much time reading at work as I do, it's kinda hard to want to pick up a book during your free time. I'm going to try to do it more often.

3. Control the list-making. Clearly, I've gotten a good start on this one already. Since I know that I can't control the amount of lists that I make (mostly "To Do" lists), my goal is to limit them to one location, my new planner. We'll see how this goes.

4. Have the garage sale that Philly and I have been "planning" for three years. That, or open a consignment shop that only sells clothing in sizes Small and Medium.

5. Spend more time with my family. I'm thinking that, since the last time the women in my family got together for something other than a funeral was in 2005, it's about time for us to have a Girl Trip. Perhaps a weekend in a cabin in the mountains? I need to get to work on planning this. In my new planner.