How Thoughtful

When it comes to giving (and getting) presents, I have always been a fan of gift baskets. Not the pre-made kind that you buy when you don't know what else to get someone, but the kind you put together yourself. I love picking out several small gifts for someone, usually all involving some kind of theme (preferably secs*, drugs, or rock and roll), and then arranging them in a basket, bucket, or other handy container. Perhaps I should turn this into a business.

Anyhoo, I was hanging out with my friends "Bert" and "Ernie" last night, and Bert was telling me about the gift basket that he made for his eighty-something-year-old grandmother last Christmas.

It included:
A bottle of Jack Daniel's,
A bottle of vermouth,
A jar of cherries (for Manhattans),
A martini glass,
A bag of chocolates,
A carton of cigarettes, and
A gift card for her prescription medications.

I think Bert is pretty much the best grandson ever.



*Ed. note: Apparently I am going to have to remove certain words from my blogging vocabulary. Legally Brunette is getting too "explicit." Riiiiiight.

Wives and Ex-Wives

My alma mater never ceases to make me proud to be a Volunteer.

UT President John Petersen's wife Carol has certainly made a name for herself. And I believe that name is "Bitch." I, of course, have no problem with her behavior at a recent social event; in fact, I think it's hilarious. But, for the sake of the university, Carol might need to go to the doctor and get some Happy Pills. Or maybe some hormones.

And UT Men's Basketball Coach Bruce Pearl's ex-wife Kim Shrigley has been in the news too, for the opening of her new salon, Alimony's. I love a woman with a sense of humor.

The Season of Giving

After perusing several holiday gift guides, both in magazines and online, I have come to the realization that one of the following three things must be true:

1. Other people make a hell of a lot more money than I do;

2. Other people are accumulating an inordinate amount of debt during the holidays; or

3. People who make gift guides know damn well that no one spends that much money on Christmas presents, and they're just trying to make us all feel bad about ourselves for being so cheap.

Here's my holiday gift guide: Whatever's on sale at Kmart.

Love It

I would totally use this.

All-Time Top Five

Winter decided to rear its ugly head this weekend, and if the 10-day forecast on the weather website is any indication, it looks like it's here to stay. Personally, I'm not a fan of cold weather.

Which is why, on Sunday, when the temperature outside was frigid (in my book), I decided not to leave the house. At all. Instead, I spent the day and evening in my cozy (read: tiny) apartment, doing things like:

1) Napping (by far, my favorite activity);

2) Working (by far, my least favorite activity);

3) Spending way too much money at oldnavy.com ('cause the Internet is back on, at least temporarily); and

4) Watching the movie High Fidelity, which a friend recently recommended, and which also just happens to be available On Demand right now.

Although I didn't fall in love with the movie itself, I did like the fact that, throughout High Fidelity, the characters kept giving their "All-Time Top Five" lists of various things, like Most Memorable Break-Ups, Songs About Death, and Musical Crimes Perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s.

Naturally, this got me to thinking about my most memorable break-ups, which led me to conclude that I don't even think I've had five memorable break-ups, maybe three tops. Ending relationships is not exactly my forte. Instead of making a clean break, I tend to maintain contact with ex-boyfriends for months or even years after we've "broken up," and not even in a weird, one-sided, stalkerish way. There's almost always a mutual desire to "remain friends," which everyone knows is nearly impossible, but dammit I've tried.

Obviously, breaking up is something I need to work on.

Anyhoo, I was thinking about what kind of All-Time Top 5 list that I could make, i.e., what I'm kind of known for among my family members and small circle of friends and ex-boyfriends. And then it hit me: Weird Afflictions.

Anyone who knows me knows that, when I get sick, it is almost never something as simple as a cold or the flu. No, when I come down with something, it's practically inevitable that it will be some off-the-wall, rare illness that, half the time, can't even be explained.

So, without further ado:

My All-Time Top 5 Weird Afflictions.

1. Hives (1998).

One summer morning I woke up to discover that my body was completely covered in hives. I'm talking head to toe. Other people get hives because of an allergic reaction, usually to food, but I've never had a single food allergy, or any allergy for that matter (except fire ants, I am allergic to those). Not knowing what could have caused such an extreme condition, my parents became convinced that my years of tormenting the cat (causing her to occasionally lash out and swipe me with a paw) had caught up to me, resulting in me contracting Cat Scratch Fever. (These people never claimed to be doctors.) I went to the dermatologist that afternoon, to try to determine what had actually caused the hives (Cat Scratch Fever seemed far-fetched), but after a nurse pricked me seven times in an unsuccessful attempt to draw blood for testing, I said fuck this and went home. The next morning, the hives were completely, yet inexplicably, gone.

2. Arthritis (1999-present).

I can't pinpoint exactly when I started having problems with my knees, but I remember that it was sometime in high school and that I was able to drive myself to the physical therapist, so I'm guesstimating that it was around 1999. About once every 2-3 months, my knees "flare up," meaning that a large amount of fluid collects around the joints, causing them to be swollen and painful. I've tried physical therapy and I've tried taking Celebrex, but nothing has really helped, at least not long-term. I recently started taking glucosamine, which is supposed to be some kind of miracle supplement for joints, so we'll see how that goes. Otherwise, I will continue to have the knee joints of a 75-year-old who had a career as a baseball catcher.

3. Mononucleosis (2001).

Yes, I realize that mono is not all that uncommon, especially for college students, and I was, in fact, a freshman in college when I caught it. However, I didn't just have a regular case of mono, like other people get. I had the worst case of mono in the history of the disease. It was so bad that it caused my eardrum to burst in the middle of the night one night, and if that's never happened to you, then you should consider yourself lucky. It's rather painful. Oddly enough, I still managed to make straight A's that semester, even in Calculus, and I missed a test in that class. I think that's a testament to how mother-effing DUMB the rest of the students in that class were.

4. Recurring Arm Rash (2007-present).

I have yet to determine what is actually causing this affliction, but so far it has come and gone on three separate occasions. At one point, I actually thought it was a physiological reaction to seeing my ex-boyfriend Slim. I've also thought it might be due to stress, but whatever is causing it, I wish it would stop. The weird thing about this rash is that, not only does it come and go, but it also is limited to one place on my body: my inner forearms. And it itches, a lot. Thankfully, right now, it seems to be in remission. But that doesn't mean it won't be back. (Oh, and I have determined that it's not contagious.)

5. Shingles (2008).

Leave it to me to have gotten a disease normally reserved for old people. And like some of my other afflictions, this one was very painful. I would imagine that shingles are painful anywhere on your body, but I, of course, got them in the most painful place you could ever imagine: the mouth. Yes, that's right, I had painful blisters covering my entire tongue and throat. You can imagine how much fun eating was. (Actually, I didn't eat, for about five days.) The only bright side of having shingles in my mouth (as opposed to somewhere else) was that the mouth tends to heal more quickly than other parts of the body, so the shingles didn't last too long. Thank goodness, or I don't know if I would have survived!

Pretty impressive list, huh. And I'm only scratching the surface of all of the weird illnesses and reactions I've had, none of which have been contracted sexually, thank God.

But, as you can see, I'm pretty much the sickliest person you'll ever meet. I guess that's my claim to fame.

My Mom Is Cooler Than Yours Is

Over lunch at the Apple Cake Tea Room today, Philly informed me that we'll be having a smaller Christmas this year, now that she's not working anymore.

"Money's tight right now; I'm down to seeds and stems."

Why I Haven't Been Blogging Lately

1. The guy whose wireless network I was using at my apartment finally decided to secure the network. Loser.

2. Work. There's been too much of it.

3. Apparently, I need drugs. I've been having occasional panic attacks for a couple of years now, but lately it's become an almost daily occurrence. Awkward! So, after a humiliating incident in which I went to lunch with some of the Padnahs and ended up having to go sit in the car because I thought I was going to pass out, I finally went to the doctor and got some Happy Pills. Yaaaaaaaay.

4. Guess what? While I was at the doctor, he did blood work (just to make sure my "episodes" weren't related to anything physical), and turns out, I'm also anemic! Which might explain why I've felt so lethargic lately.

5. 30 Rock on DVD. What can I say, I'm addicted. Totally on the Tina Fey bandwagon now.

Isn't It Crazy...

...that only 90 years ago, I wouldn't have been able to vote on Election Day!

So...thank you to Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Carrie Chapman Catt, Alice Paul, Lucy Burns, and all of the other women whose courage and hard work secured that right for me!

Incidentally, I voted for Obama today. But you probably figured that.

Math in the Real World

1. 4 (glasses of red wine) + 1 (Jager Bomb) = Candy does karaoke on Friday night. Very, very badly.

2. 3 (beers) + 2 (more beers) = Philly becomes her own mother. Wild horses couldn't drag her away. From the karaoke machine.

3. 24 (samplings of chili) + 4 (beers) = Well, what do YOU think? Nevertheless, the Chili Cook-Off was a blast on Saturday (good music and good chili...for the most part), and we couldn't have asked for nicer weather for it!

4. 6 (Volunteer losses this season...so far) + 1 (Fat Phil, the coach) = That ship has sailed. Next, please.

5. 24 (hours) + 1 (extra hour) = The return of Eastern Standard Time. Yay for an extra hour of sleep, boo for it being dark from now on when I leave work.

I knew that taking all those advanced math classes in high school would come in handy someday.

Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Excerpt from an IM conversation with my friend, "Ken," who lives several hours away:

Ken: Hey, it looks like I'll be in Knoxville in a couple weeks.

Candy: Cool, you can NOT call me again.

Ken: Is that an instruction, or an attempt at humor?

Candy: The second one. And I thought it was more than an attempt.

Ken: Yeah, sorry I didn't call last time. It was a bad trip. Long story.

Candy: More criminal charges?

Ken: Nope. Geez, chop buster, my grandfather died. I had to go back home.

Candy: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, call or text me when you're in town. I'll be around.

Ken: I'll give you a call. By the way, I'm doing fine, thanks for asking.

Whoops. I think I may have come off as a little insensitive.

I do like my new title, though. Chop Buster. I think it fits me.