This One's for You, Newton

You know that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie gets the "Sad Mac" on her laptop, and then she finds out that everything she has ever saved on it is gone? Well, that's pretty much the story of my life right now.

A few days ago my computer gave me a message saying that it couldn't start Windows because of some error. When I Googled the error message that I had gotten (using another computer, obviously), I found out that my computer had a "corrupt registry." Again. (This same thing happened last November.) So, I took it back to the Computer Fixer-Upper, and he told me that it would be ready the next day.

Four days later (yesterday), I get a call from Mr. Computer Fixer-Upper, who says that my computer is "too far gone to be recovered," and that he will need to completely reinstall Windows on it. Which means that EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) that I had saved on it is GONE. Moreover, he informs me that it will take him "up to a week" to fix it.

This is just fabulous.

Not only do I have final exams starting in less than a week (which I need my computer for), but I also have a final paper to write, the outline for which was saved on my computer. Whoops.

And speaking of computer-related fiascos, Philly went to a class last week and learned how to use Microsoft PowerPoint. Yay Philly! You finally decided to join the rest of us here in the twenty-first century! And since she is now a veritable PowerPoint Expert, Philly took it upon herself to make a PowerPoint presentation to remind me that, no, I still do not have a Real Job lined up for after graduation. As if I could forget.

Because this presentation is too good to keep to myself, I have decided to share it with you guys. And because I'm not very adept at technological-type things (and have no idea whether it's even possible to import a Powerpoint presentation into a blog...much less how to do it), I have copied and pasted the content of it. Here it is:

Slide #1

Careers for Candy




Slide #2

Agenda:

Candy can't stay in school forever.
Since she can't find a job on her own, her friends and family need to help.
She doesn't necessarily have to practice law. There are other options.
She has to start paying her own way.




Slide #3

Overview:

Candy's Top 3 Career Choices:
1. Bartender/dancer at Coyote Ugly
2. Dallas Cowboy cheerleader
3. Joining Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife Beth

*Clearly Candy watched too much reality TV.




Slide #4

Brainstorming Objectives:

Ideas from friends and family:
1. Camp Montvale is opening back up and will probably need a director.
2. Bruce Poston might need a paralegal.
3. Ditto for Greg Isaacs.
4. Solicit sponsors for her blog.
5. Career at TestPrep.
6. Career at the Law Library.
7. Veterinarian's assistant.
8. Teach beginner baton.




Slide #5

Rules:

*No idea is a bad idea
*Be creative
*Take risks
*No criticism allowed




Slide #6

Next Steps:

*Candy must make a decision.
*Choose from the ideas submitted
*or
*Come up with her own ideas.




Slide #7

Study like hell.

Pass the bar

Or

Stop in for one drink.




The End.

Is that not the best content for a PowerPoint presentation that you've ever seen? I especially like the part where she suggests that I become a veterinarian's assistant. I'm assuming that she was suggesting that I work for my friend LaToya, who's graduating from vet school in two weeks. (Yay LaToya!) Of course, LaToya doesn't have a job lined up yet either, but that's neither here nor there. As soon as she does find one, I'll be ready and waiting to "assist."

Why I Like Having an Elementary School Bus Stop in My Front Yard

Because, on the rare occasion that I don't roll in from the night before until 7:00 a.m. the next morning, there's always a gang of nine-year-olds waiting to greet me with enthusiastic waves.

Just one of the perks of livin' at home.

Movies I've Seen Way Too Many Times

Prerequisites for The List:
*Must not qualify as a "good" movie (i.e., no Oscar-winners).
*Must have been watched at least ten times.
*Must fall under the category of "Chick Flick."

1. Shag

Ten times? Sheeiit, I've seen this one a thousand times. And I know every line in the movie, from beginning to end. As a matter of fact, some of the lines are part of my everyday repertoire, such as:

"Y'all...I'm wild. I guess I've been wild all along, and I just didn't know it." (used any time someone does something uncharacteristic, or "wild");

"Oh my God, it's Harley." (used any time an unwanted boyfriend/fiance/husband shows up...like, for instance, when you're hanging out with your new boyfriend, "Buzz"); and

"Y'all is the horniest buncha white folks I ever seen." (used when showing up late to an office meeting).

2. Overboard

Boy meets girl, boy hates girl, boy takes advantage of girl's amnesia by convincing her that she's his wife and the mother of his children (which she's not)...a true American love story. Also, this movie always makes me want to design my own miniature golf course. (Don't lie, you know it made you want to design one, too!)

3. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

I mean, has there ever, in the history of movies, been a better name for a character than "Sue Ellen"? I certainly can't think of one. My favorite part of this movie is definitely the fashion show at the end, but I also thoroughly enjoy watching Sue Ellen go through her mom's closet to find outfits for work. I always wanted to do that myself.

4. About Last Night

Ahhh....Debbie and Danny. And their Relationship Gone Awry. Who knew my life would turn out to be so...similar. I especially love Debbie's cynical, sarcastic friend, Joan. I only wish I could be so bitchy.

5. St. Elmo's Fire

What can I say, I love the Brat Pack. Watching this movie always makes me wish I had a group of recently-graduated-from-college friends who are addicted to drugs and alcohol and all end up sleeping with each other. Wait....

6. Somthing to Talk About

Grace (Julia Roberts) makes Eddie (Dennis Quaid) sorry he ever cheated on her. And, again, I love the bitchy sidekick (played by Kyra Sedgwick).

7. To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

This movie confirms what I always suspected was true: Attitude is everything. And if I'm ever feeling down and out, there's nothing like Patrick Swayze in drag to bring me back up.

8. 13 Going on 30

I'm not sure why, but I NEVER get tired of this movie! Every time I watch it, I resolve to learn the Thriller dance, but I haven't yet found someone to teach me. Although I think A did mention one time that J knows it by heart....

9. Mean Girls

So. True.

10. Elizabethtown

I had such high expectations for this movie. When I saw from the previews that it was directed by Cameron Crowe (who also directed my favorite "good" movie, Almost Famous), I figured it was going to be great. I even went by myself to the movie theater to see it, so I wouldn't be distracted by anyone trying to talk to me. Well, it wasn't nearly as good as I'd hoped it would be, but it's enjoyable nevertheless. I love the dialogue between Claire (Kirsten Dunst) and Drew (Orlando Bloom).

So that's my list of movies...anyone have any add-ons?

Good Eats

I'm watching the Food Network Awards, and they just announced the award for "Best Comfort Food Combination."

The nominees:
Hamburger and french fries
Meatloaf and mashed potatoes
Grilled cheese and tomato soup
Milk and cookies
Macaroni and cheese (Is this one really a combination?)

The winner:
Hamburger and french fries

Coincidentally, Philly, Ron, and I just had a conversation the other day about our favorite Comfort Food Combinations. The fam's picks:

Philly- Pork chop, rice, and pinto beans
Ron- Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and peas
Candy- Kielbasa sausage, macaroni and cheese, and baked beans (weird, I know)
Missy- Cat chow and water
Fred- Rib bone and his own shit

Mmm, tasty.

Betcha Didn't Know: I Party with Don Imus

During a game of Catchphrase last night...

Clues given by Player "Don Imus":
"Okay, this is what you call homo's, and if they all got together and formed a country, this is what they'd want to call it."

The Catchphrase:
"Fairyland."

Sadly, Player "Donna Imus" actually guessed it.

It was perhaps the best and worst moment ever in Catchphrase history.

The Good and the Bad

Week of April 8-14

The Good:

1. Season Premiere of Dog the Bounty Hunter on Tuesday night. Dog is pretty much my favorite person ever. Or at least my favorite person on reality TV. (Tied for second place are Holly, Bridget, and Kendra from The Girls Next Door.)

2. Half-Priced Wine Night at Sunspot. Apparently the whole world comes out for half-priced wine on Wednesday nights. Slim and I ate dinner (delish!) and had a couple of bottles of wine. And then we went home and passed out on the couch. (We seem to do that a lot.)

3. A Flea in Her Ear at the Clarence Brown Theatre. Philly and I went to see this on Thursday night, and it was so good! It was really funny, and the actors were great. I think it's playing through the end of the month, so if you get a chance, you should definitely see it.

4. Studying on a Saturday night. It made me feel so...productive. Even if it was only for two hours.

The Bad:

1. The weather.

2. Breaking up with Slim on Thursday night. Yes, it's true. And I'm very sad about it. As a matter of fact, I am currently without a Sense of Humor. (As evidenced by this post.)

3. The weather.

4. Yet another failed attempt at scrambled eggs. I just don't get it. I can make fried eggs and omelets...heck, I've even made a frittata. But I am utterly incapable of scrambling eggs. Phooey.

And Here I Thought Married Men Were the Happiest People on the Planet.

Or at least that's what "The Statistics" say. But when was the last time you heard a forty-five-year-old man talk about how wonderful his wife is?

Actual statements made by middle-aged Married Men in the past week (and overheard by me):

"We've been married for fourteen years, and there's just nothing left between us."

"Seventeen years is a long fucking time to be with the same person."

"That's why I work so much. If I didn't get away from my wife for a few hours every day, I'd go nuts."

Wow.

And you wonder why I am so anti-Getting Married.

The Tanning Bed

Pretty high on the list of Ways I Disappoint My Mother is the fact that I (somewhat) regularly Visit the Tanning Bed. I think it falls somewhere between Smoking--which is first on the list--and Not Loving Texas Hold 'Em as Much as She Does--which may not even be humanly possible. While I'm definitely not a Hardcore Tanner, I do like to tan from about February to May, mainly so that I can get a good "base tan" for summer. Also, even though I haven't gone to the beach for the past two Spring Breaks (how sad is that), I like to at least look like I went somewhere tropical and spent the week sipping (guzzling) pina coladas by the sea.

For all my Tanning Needs (there are so many), I go to a place on Northshore Drive called Northshore Sun. When I started going there a couple of years ago, it was actually a Tanning-Bed-Slash-Video-Store, which always struck me as an odd combination. But they've since gone through a couple of Concept Changes, including a brief stint as a Tanning-Bed-Slash-Designer-Knock-off-Purse-Store and, most recently, a Tanning-Bed-Slash-Professional-Monogramming-Store. Needless to say, it's pretty much my One-Stop Shop.

But despite the fact that I can have my initials (S.L.U.T.) stitched on...well, pretty much anything...at the same time that I'm achieving a Golden Glow, my favorite part about going to the Tanning Bed is getting to see The Clientele. Sure, there's the people you'd expect to see at the Tanning Bed, such as the gaggles of seventeen-year-old girls (they seem to always travel in packs) who are there to "get some color" for prom, or the "Leather Tuscadero's," as my sister calls them, who have been Hardcore Tanning for so long that their skin resembles something you'd give your dog to chew on.

And then there are the Unexpected Clients. Today, for example, I had to wait about twenty minutes for a bed, and during that time I encountered the following:

1. Lady who was no less than seventy-five years old, wearing a fuschia nylon jogging suit (circa 1989) and white Reebok tennis shoes (you know, the ones with the little holes over the toe). Incidentally, she was pale as a ghost, so I'm guessing that she wasn't very far into her Tanning Package.

2. Overweight, bald, Harley Davidson-type dude (clad in a tank top and knee-length jean shorts), who insisted that he lay for the "full time," even after the Tanning Bed Employee informed him that he would "most certainly burn." His response: "Fry me."

3. Middle-aged Size 14 woman wearing Size 4 jeans (with six-inch platform shoes), who was not happy that she would have to wait twenty minutes for a bed. "Even though my week-long package ends today, can I just come back tomorrow?" she asked. "No, but you can come back later tonight, when we're not as busy," answered the Tanning Bed Employee. To which the woman replied (for the entire store to hear), "BUT I HAVE DINNER PLANS LATER!" Don't we all, honey.

4. Gray-haired male postal worker, who was carrying his own bottle of tanning lotion. When he sat beside me to wait, I stole a glance at his Choice of Tanning Lotion, and I am happy to report that it was, in fact, the kind with "tingle." You tanners know what I'm talking about. (Meanwhile, the rest of you are thinking, what the fuck is "tingle"?)

5. Sheepish twenty-something guy, who I think was just coming to tan so that he could watch the (hot) Tanning Bed Employee walk around with her little Bucket O' Cleaning Supplies. At least that's what he probably tells his friends.

Moral of the Story: You never know who you'll encounter at the Tanning Bed. You just never know.

Writing This Made Me Hungry.

Knoxville is a town of Eaters. Which is perhaps why we have more restaurants per capita than any city in the entire United States (at least that's what I've heard). Or maybe the fact that we have so many restaurants is the reason we eat so much. Either way, if you want to go out to eat in Knoxville, there are (apparently) a lot of options.

Nevertheless, it seems like no one can ever think of a good restaurant to go to, especially when we're wanting something "unique." So, being the Knoxville-Know-It-All that I am, I've decided to make a list of the restaurants that I think are really good and maybe a little unique. And, no, you won't find King Tut's on my list, because, no matter how funky and eclectic it is...that does not change the fact that the One and Only Time I ate there, a cockroach the size of Rhode Island went crawling up the wall, about four inches from my arm. I had trouble swallowing my food after that. Kind of like the time Philly was eating at the Mandarin House and, in the middle of chewing a bite, she pulled a mop string out of her mouth. You won't find that place on my list either.

Starting West and working my way East/North:

1. Apple Cake Tea Room

This one is strictly for the Ladies. It's located off Campbell Station Road (which used to be way the hell out...but since Turkey Creek became the new "Downtown," it seems much closer), and it's only open for lunch. It's the kind of place where you go to Gossip with the Girls. Quietly, of course, because it is in Farragut after all. All of the food at ACTR is really dainty, but it's soooo good. I highly recommend the banana nut bread with cream cheese for dessert. And I've never actually tried their apple cake, but I'm sure it's fabulous.

2. Taste of Thai

This place is located on North Peters Road, next to Dick's Sporting Goods ("Dick's on Peters," as we like to call it). When I go out for Thai food, it's really hard for me to pass up Pad Thai (and theirs is good), but I've heard their other dishes are tasty as well. One time I had their Green Tea Ice Cream for dessert, and it was delish.

3. Altruda's

Altruda's is an Italian restaurant (always good for dates), located just a few doors down from Taste of Thai, in the same shopping center. Their salad and bread make the Olive Garden's look like school cafeteria food. Philly and I are BIG fans of the Snapper al Limone. And we usually just get one to split.

4. Che Guevara

Formerly known as "La Paz," this is a Mexican restaurant located in the same shopping center as Barnes & Noble and Toys R Us on Kingston Pike. It's definitely a Locals Only kinda place, evidenced by the fact that (last time I checked) there isn't really even a sign letting Kingston Pike-drivers know it's there. The food is great, but I like it because it's a great place for Happy Hour. The margaritas and chips-and-salsa are TDF (To Die For).

5. Sullivan's

Sullivan's is probably my favorite restaurant in Knoxville, mainly because I think they have the best patio around. It has a huge tree growing in the middle of it, and at night it's lit up with white lights. The restaurant is located on Northshore Drive in Rocky Hill, and everything on the menu is good (in my opinion), especially the side dishes. They actually sell their sweet potato casserole and creamed spinach in family-sized portions for Thanksgiving, which Philly bought for us one year when she didn't really feel like cooking the whole spread.

6. Tomo

This is where I almost always go for sushi...I know everyone else is gaga over Nama, but I think Tomo is just as good if not better. And you hardly ever have to wait for a table. (Unless you go for Midnight Sushi on the weekends, which I hear is pretty popular.) Personally, I like the Caterpillar Roll (eel) and the Volcano Roll ('cause it's on fire...literally). If you're not into sushi (I feel sorry for you people), they have other stuff too.

7. MacLeod's

Okay, I know that MacLeod's isn't really unique. I'm sure everyone's been there for karaoke at least once. But if you've only tasted their beverages so far, you should try the food some time. Aside from Sawyer's (which didn't make this list because it's fast food), MacLeod's has my favorite chicken tenders and fries. Go there for lunch when you're hung over.

8. Bistro at the Bijou

I've only eaten at the Bistro for lunch, but I'm sure dinner is good too. The main reason I like this place so much is the giant painting hanging over the bar. You should check it out. Also, I would imagine that a good date would be to eat dinner here and then see a concert at the Bijou.

9. Szechuan Garden

Philly and I refer to this place simply as "The Garden." They have your typical cheap, greasy Chinese food, but I think theirs is a cut above the cheap-greasy-Chinese-food competition. At lunchtime, for about five dollars you can get soup, an eggroll, and an entree that you probably shouldn't eat all of. (It's a lot of food.) Dinner is pretty cheap as well. A perennial favorite is the Eight Treasure Chicken, although I've never really heard anyone complain about anything they've ordered there.

10. Bayou Bay

Located waaaay down Chapman Highway (near Ye Olde Steakhouse), Bayou Bay is a definite Hole in the Wall. But if you're craving something cajun-ish, or any kind of seafood, it's a good bet. And they'll serve your beer with a frosty mug, which is always a plus in my book.

11. Litton's

Litton's in Fountain City is a classic Knoxville-area restaurant. I've only ever eaten their burgers ('cause that's what they're known for), but I'm sure everything they have is delish. Desserts are their other Claim to Fame, and I've definitely sampled a few of those. I seem to remember that the Italian Cream Cake was phenomenal, and the Red Velvet Cake was good too.

12. Golden Girls

If you're ever up North on I-75 (around Clinton), and you're craving a meat-and-two-vegetables kinda meal, you should stop in to Golden Girls. It's just like goin' to Grandma's. (Although, despite the name, you're not likely to see Blanche and Rose...unfortunately.)

Honorable Mentions: Bailey's (really more of a bar...but the food is definitely not your typical Bar Food); Carrabba's (yes, it's a chain restaurant...but it's my favorite chain restaurant); La Costa (very trendy right now); Pasta Trio (doesn't make my list, but Slim is a fan); and Deadbeat Pete's (located in Townsend, but definitely worth the trip...sit on the back patio if it's warm).

Now, for God's sake, go get something to eat.

Week in Review

Average Saturday evening conversation at my house:

Philly: Why doesn't anyone ever say to me, "Let's get you a drink."?
Candy: Because you always have one.

Touche.

Slim and I spent quite a bit of Quality Time together this week. Which was good for us (I think), because we've been having a few "issues" lately. Well, I've been having a few issues lately. Slim never has any issues. He's an easy-goin' kinda guy. I, on the other hand, can't seem to get through a single day without trying to start some shu-shu with him. Life would be so much easier if I were on Medication.

On Wednesday night, we decided to go out for "one drink" (Self-Medication), which, just like last Wednesday, turned into us Closing Down the Bar. The highlight of the evening was talking to "George" (not an alias), the somewhat-inebriated middle-aged man sitting next to us at the bar. George was definitely a Talker. He started off by telling us all about his kids and their many accomplishments. (Blah blah.) Then he told us about his career in advertising and magazine publishing. (Blah blah again.) Then, the conversation got interesting. After informing us that he was out drinking because he'd had a fight with his wife and that he wasn't going to be making it home that evening, George proceeded to give Slim and me lots of good advice about Married Life, such as "If you go to Vegas and sleep with a stranger, don't come home and tell your spouse about it." Apparently it puts a damper on the relationship. I'm sure Mrs. George would be thrilled to know that her hubby was at a bar drunkenly discussing his marriage with a couple of twenty-somethings. Nevertheless, it was all very educational.

On Thursday night I met up with Slim and his friend Eva at Sassy Ann's. I had expected it to be pretty deserted because of Easter break, but it was actually really crowded. Slim, Eva, and I had a great time dancing (despite the fact that you could barely move on the dance floor), and if there's one good thing I can say about Slim, it's that I never have to drag him onto the dance floor like you have to do with most guys...well, most straight guys. He actually likes to dance, or so he says, and he wasn't even fazed a few weeks ago when I told him that his dancing style pretty much screams, "I'm white!"

Which is why I drink so much every time we go dancing.

Friday was one of those rare days on which neither one of us had to do anything remotely related to work (or school, for me), so we slept late and then had lunch at Bayou Bay. After that we went to Ijams Nature Center, which I've blogged about before, but had never actually been to. What started out as a Leisurely Stroll along some nature trails turned into what can only be described as an All-Out Adventure in South Knoxville. I'm not really sure how it happened, but somehow we accidentally exited Ijams and ended up about three miles away, wandering through someone's yard. Whoops. Two hours later, we finally made it back to the car, exhausted. And, as usual, we took it easy on Friday night, because Slim had to be at "work" at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning. (Or wherever it is that he goes for four days every week.)

Yes, I know my week was Completely Uninteresting to anyone besides me. I have to say, I'm beginning to think that Having Nothing Interesting to Write About is an occupational hazard of being In a Relationship. Back when I was with Bud, Philly used to always complain that my Creative Juices dried up because I had a boyfriend, so when I started dating Slim, I promised myself that I wouldn't let that happen. But I'm starting to realize now that the Creative Juices weren't the problem...it's just that there aren't as many wild and crazy shenanigans to write about when you're attached. Hmph. Take one of the most well-known bloggers on the Internet, Dooce, for instance. She's so popular that she and her husband were able to QUIT THEIR JOBS and live off the money she makes from selling ads on her blog. Seriously?!? And what kills me is that her blog isn't even all that interesting! I mean, how many times can she write about her three-year-old daughter not eating her vegetables or her husband waking up in a bad mood? Apparently a lot.

The fact is, life is much less interesting to write about when you Settle Down. Which is why I came to a New Conclusion this week: I am going to put off marriage for as long as possible. I know it's probably inevitable that it will happen at some point (you know, for babies or whatever), but for the sake of My Blog and My Sanity (really, the only two things that I have...and the Sanity one is arguable), I'm gonna be checking the "Single" box for at least a few more years.

And Slim, this is my way of letting you know that it's Over. To the left, buddy!

(Not really, but I had to start some shu-shu at least once today...it's been, like, twelve hours!)

Good Times

I can't remember what Slim said right before he took this picture, but apparently I thought it was HILARIOUS. Midge found it only slightly amusing.

Candy's Reviews, 4/2/07

Good:

1. OCI's Hamburgers. I've had at least three in the past two weeks. They are really good. I love that they come on English muffins instead of regular ole buns. And I don't know where OCI gets their English muffins, but I swear they're better than the ones I buy at the grocery store. It's disappointing to me that every time I go into OCI West, it's always deserted...because it's actually a really cool place! They have pool and darts and several TVs. And really good burgers. What more could you want?

2. Watching ABC shows online. This is a great invention for people like me, who always seem to forget to set the DVR for their favorite shows. And it's a good way to try out some new shows! For instance, last night I was planning on watching last Thursday's Grey's Anatomy (which I had forgotten to record on Thursday or Friday), but when I got to the ABC website, I realized that Grey's had been a rerun. So, I decided to watch a new show, October Road, which I've been meaning to check out on Thursday nights, but kept forgetting to watch. And now I'm hooked. The show itself isn't all that fabulous, but it has two qualities that will definitely keep me interested. First, it stars Bryan Greenberg. I'm sorry, Slim, but this man is my Future Husband. There's just no getting around it. Second, it has a really good soundtrack. The music is a mix of old and new, and in the most recent episode, they even played one of my Favorite Songs of All Time, Amanda (by Boston). I'll definitely be a faithful viewer of October Road, right up until the moment it gets cancelled (in three weeks). Thanks, abc.com!

3. Gardenias. I think the gardenia is an underrated flower. Roses, schmoses. If you want flowers that smell delicious, gardenias are where it's at. I had forgotten how much I love the smell of gardenias until I went to the tanning bed this weekend, and they had a gardenia-scented body spray. Needless to say, I doused myself in the stuff. It might be my new Favorite Smell.

4. Catchphrase. Slim and I played this game with his brother and his brother's girlfriend the other night. We had so much fun! It's kind of like Taboo, except it's all electronic, and you don't have a list of words that you can't say. It sounds easy, but it's not (at least not while you're drunk...which we, of course, were). I recommend buying it and playing for shots.

Bad:

1. Ketchup Packets. I do NOT understand why fast-food restaurants can put barbecue sauce, honey mustard, and every other sauce imaginable in little plastic containers, yet they still put ketchup in ridiculously small foil packets that hold, oh, an eighth of a teaspoon, max. I require at least a packet per french fry. Something needs to be done about this.

2. Wet pens. As a lefty, I have always hated pens with "wet" ink, because I inevitably drag my hand across the page as I'm writing, which not only results in excessive "smearage" of everything I've just written, but also results in the edge of my hand being perpetually black (or blue, depending on the ink). And recently, I have come to loathe wet pens even more, because my supervisor at the PD's office has a habit of holding an "uncapped" one in his hand and emphatically gesturing with it. This puts me in a constant fear of standing too close to him, as I am not interested in having stray ink marks all over my nice, dry-clean-only suits. I think regular old Bic pens are a much safer alternative.

3. Meredith Vieira on The Today Show. In order to be a host of The Today Show, a person should have one of two qualities. The first option is To Be Good at Things. The hosts of The Today Show are always involved in some kind of shenanigans (races, contests, etc.), and actually being able to DO something (so as not to make a fool of oneself) is a plus. The other option is To Be Funny. Because, if you're not good at anything, you should at least be able to make us laugh. Otherwise, your ineptitude will just make us uncomfortable. From what I have seen so far, Meredith Vieira is neither Good at Things nor Funny. And she is definitely no Katie. I hope the people at The Today Show realize this soon, or I may have to become a Good Morning America watcher. God forbid.

4. Service at Urban Bar in the Old City. Midge, Frenchy, and I stopped by Urban Bar during our Pub Crawl the other night, and I swear, we had the worst service. We sat on the patio and gave our server our drink orders, which consisted of: a Heineken (Midge), a Miller Lite in a bottle (Frenchy), and a Corona Light (me). THIRTY MINUTES LATER (I kid you not), we got the following: a warm Heineken, a Miller Lite DRAFT, and a warm Corona EXTRA. What the fuck.

This Is Why I'm Hot

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!" is how I would describe my general mood for the past few days. Others might describe it as "elation to the point of obnoxiousness." Either way, I am a Very Happy Camper right now because I got a brand new car on Wednesday! Yaaaaaay! Here it is:

It's a 2007 Mazda CX-7 in "True Silver" (which is actually kind of a beige-y silver), and it is soooo freakin' sweet. I think I'm in love. Here we are together, the new happy couple:

"Hop in, I'll take ya for a spin!"

I had actually gone to the Mazda dealership on Wednesday to look at used Tributes, because I've been driving my dad's Ford Escape for several months, and I've gotten used to the "feel" of a small SUV. And by "SUV" I mean "Storage Unit Vehicle." I don't even know what "Sport Utility" means. Anyhoo, the Escape and the Tribute are basically the same vehicle (similar to how the Taurus and the Sable are the same...but we won't go there again), so I had been looking to buy either one. (Used, of course...because we's po'.) Well, the salesman I was dealing with ("Doug") suggested that I test drive a new Mazda CX-7, because he had a "great lease deal" going on with those. Even though I had come to the conclusion that the phrase "great deal" is an oxymoron when uttered by a car salesman, I figured it couldn't hurt to take a CX-7 for a spin.

And I loved it.

The CX-7 is what they call a "crossover SUV," which I think means that it's kinda like a car and kinda like an SUV. As you can see from the picture, it's pretty modern-looking. I liked the lease deal that Mazda was offering because it involved no money down.....but the deal was for a base model CX-7, and I really wanted a sunroof. (Or, "moonroof," as they insist on calling it.) So, I told Doug that I was going to look around some more and that I might be back later with Philly. (Because Lord knows that Candy is incapable of making a Major Decision without Philly's help. I swear, if any man is ever crazy enough...or inebriated enough...to ask me to marry him, I'll be like, "Can I get back to you on that? I need to see what my mother thinks." I'm kidding. Sort of.) I looked around at some more cars, including the Ford Edge (which I also really liked), but I just couldn't get that damn CX-7 off the brain. So, when Philly got off work later that afternoon, we went back to see Doug and do a second test drive.

After I'd gotten the required Philly Approval, I told Doug that if he could get me a moonroof and 3,000 extra miles a year on the lease, but still keep the monthly payment the same, we'd have a deal. He asked if I could make a downpayment (no) or if I had anything to trade in. Well....as a matter of fact, I did have something to trade in. And without ever seeing the car, Doug agreed to take my 1999 Mercury Sable.

I could not have been more thrilled.

Doug may have thought he was making a good deal by taking the Sable, but little did he know that I almost had to have it towed to the dealership. Because the damn thing doesn't run. I did manage to get it to the dealership without having it towed, but only because I talked Slim into driving it there for me. (I wasn't going to chance driving a vehicle that might IGNITE at any moment.) So, in one fell swoop, I got rid of the bane of my existence (the Sable, not Slim), AND I got a car that I love.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

In other news, I was supposed to go with Philly and "Priscilla" to Caesars Indiana this weekend, but the thought of gambling away an entire monthly car payment in two days was enough to keep me here in K-Town. Of course, I might've actually won an entire car payment, but that seems highly unlikely. So, on Friday night I hung out with Slim, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend, and on Saturday night I went bar-hopping with Midge and my new friend Frenchy. All in all, it was a good weekend, as evidenced by the following quotes, which were (of course) much funnier at the time.

Top Five Quotes of the Weekend:

#1

Slim: "I think AIDS is an invention of condom-makers."

#2

Candy: "Do you even know what the movie is about?"

Slim's Brother: "Last night?"

(During a conversation about the movie About Last Night.)

#3

Candy: "How does this thing work?"

Slim: "Well, you play with it, and it gets hard."

(Apparently, Slim thought I was referring to something that I was NOT referring to!)

#4

Midge: "I always keep A Pair and A Spare."

(Describing her philosophy on dating multiple men.)

#5

Random Girl from High School Whom I've Never Spoken to Before: "When I saw you walk by, I just had to come over and smack that little tush!"

(Explanation given for the Ass-Smacking I received while walking up the stairs at Hanna's in the Old City.)

And an Honorable Mention goes to a conversation Frenchy and I had with Midge, in which Midge, after swearing that she did NOT flirt with her very-cute-and-very-single client, then proceeded to tell us that the following occurred during her visit to his house:

1. Client answered the door in his workout clothes (and sweating from his workout).

2. Client informed her that they would have to conduct business in his bedroom, because the rest of his house (all of it) was under construction.

3. Top button popped off Midge's shirt, exposing parts of her breasts to Client.

4. Midge informed Client that she would need to measure his biceps because they were so big.

5. Client proceeded to rip Midge's clothes off and throw her down on the bed.

Okay, that last one didn't really happen. (Supposedly.) But did anyone else feel that this "meeting" sounded just the teensiest bit like a frigging porno? I'm just glad to hear there was no flirting.