The Question I Am Tired of Being Asked.

"Is that a tattoo on your wrist?"

No, for the millionth time, it is not a tattoo. It is a To Do List, and yes, I realize that I am 26 years old and should have outgrown writing on myself about ten years ago. I have tried to stop making lists on the inside of my wrist, and it has become quite clear that, in order to break this obnoxious little habit, I would probably have to go on some type of medication. (Apparently a type that is different from the ones I already take.)

I don't think it's cute. I think it's sad. I will probably spend my whole life feeling overwhelmed and always thinking that, without my trusty Wrist List, I might not make it through the day.

Five Thoughts on Friday

1. I am totally diggin' my new TOMS. Not only are they comfortable, but they also make me feel really charitable. Due to my willingness to buy anything that's "trendy," some underprivileged child just got a new pair of (house)shoes.



2. It really is true what they said about Pringles. Once you pop, you LITERALLY can't stop. I just ate an entire can of those little fuckers.

3. I have so many mosquito bites right now that there is, like, no way that I don't have West Nile. Too bad I already quit my job, because that would be an excellent excuse for taking a week off.

4. South Carolina governor Mark Sanford is such a prankster! "Hiking the Appalachian Trail." Tee hee hee. I'll have to use that one the next time I decide to disappear from the radar for a few days.

5. With the national media focusing all of its attention on Michael Jackson's tragic and untimely death, all I can think about is, what in the HELL is going on with Jon and Kate today? How are THEY dealing with MJ's death? Let's not forget what's really important.

In Case You're Wondering

I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, wow, Candy sure is nuts over this Kenny character...he must have some pretty impressive credentials.

And you're right, he does.

For starters, Kenny has informed me that, in 2007, he earned an Associate's Degree in Aerospace Engineering from Dartmouth University. At first I was a little skeptical of whether this was the "truth," because 1) I've never heard of an Ivy League school giving out an associate's degree, and 2) an associate's degree in "aerospace engineering" sounds a little fishy (although not as fishy as an associate's degree in marine biology...hehehe). But, when Kenny sent me a picture of this diploma hanging on his wall, I knew his story was legit.*

(click on image to enlarge)

Before attending Dartmouth for those four grueling semesters, Kenny spent a few years as a firefighter for the Madisonville Fire Department. And even though he never had the opportunity to fight any actual fires, Kenny did save a lot of cats who were stuck in trees, and he even once sprayed a cat out of a tree using the fireman's hose, which I, for one, think is a testament to how good his aim is. He also recently used his knowledge of fire hydrants to "borrow" some city water for his above-ground pool, which just goes to show how resourceful he is.

Since graduation, Kenny has been searching for a job in which he can put his aerospace engineering skills to good use, but as we all know, in this economy, aerospace engineering jobs aren't exactly easy to come by. So, in the meantime, Kenny has been working for the family business, which is an office supply store dedicated to selling giant checkbooks (for lottery commissions and the Publishers Clearing House) and jumbo pens, which can be used to write extremely large checks. The name of this business is Fatty's, and from what Kenny has told me, it's the second highest grossing company in Madisonville, right behind the Pinkerton Family Meth Lab.

Kenny is also an aspiring author, and like the true renaissance man that he is, he's combining his two loves, aerospace engineering and me, in an as-yet unnamed science fiction/romance novel about an astronaut named Captain MacDouglas Fawn who falls in love with a space attorney named Cammy Gardner. Expect to see this one on the New York Times Best Seller List sometime around 2012.

As if all of this weren't enough, Kenny is also an accomplished cartographer, as evidenced by this map that he sent me to help me find my way to his house in Madisonville, Kentucky. Not only did this map help me get to Madisonville, but it also taught me a lot about the town, such as that it is the best town on Earth, and also that it is where Kenny lives.**

When combined with his good looks, his sleek physique, and his rockin' sense of humor, Kenny's credentials truly do make him the total package. I am one lucky lady.



*Of course, according to Wikipedia, "Dartmouth University" is a defunct institution that existed only from 1817-1819, and the correct name of the Ivy League school located in Hanover, New Hampshire (Kenny was a little fuzzy on the location) is actually "Dartmouth College." Luckily, I'm not really one to split hairs.

**You can't see it in this version of the map, but the sign over Kenny's head (which, in my opinion, looks like a sawhorse but is actually an accurate representation of a sign in Downtown Mad-ville) states that Madisonville is the Best Town on Earth.

Elaboration

Look, when I "announced" to my Pintos (I mean, readers) that I was quitting my job, I didn't expect any validation. In fact, I think it's rather odd that a lot of people have congratulated me on quitting, as if it's some kind of accomplishment. It's not something I'm proud of, nor am I excited about it. (I'm not sayin' I don't appreciate the kind sentiments, though. I do!)

And I certainly don't have anything negative to say about The Firm. I feel incredibly lucky to have worked with some of the best attorneys in Knoxville.

However.

The job that I've been doing for the past two years just isn't right for me. I don't like sitting in front of a computer for nine hours every day, and I don't like the fact that I hardly ever interact with anyone. Also, I'm tired of working in a basement. It's depressing, and it makes me feel like I'm in prison.

As a single twenty-something with no mortgage and only two months left on my lease, I think I have a somewhat easier time facing unemployment than a lot of adults do. For example, if worse comes to worst (and I feel fairly certain that it will), I can just move back in with Ron and Philly for awhile.

On the relationship front, Kenny was in town this past weekend, and in honor of my impending joblessness, we partied like rock stars. I went to all of my favorite bars and drank all of my favorite drinks, and from now on, I'm going to be living a much lower-budget lifestyle. Milwaukee's Best? Don't mind if I do.

Big News

Well, I turned in my two-week notice to The Firm this morning. Without having anything else lined up. Brilliant move, huh?

Yes, I know that the economy is terrible and this is, like, the worst time ever to be trying to find work...but I also know myself, and I knew that until I was forced to search for a new job (forced by the prospect of being broke, of course), I would never really do it. And I needed to do it. For my sanity.

In the words of Otis Redding: I can't do what ten people tell me to do....

I'm beginning my job hunt ASAP, so if anyone has any good leads, please let me know!

Save.

You would think that after, oh, something like 12 years of using Microsoft Word, I finally would have learned to save my (fucking) work.

But no, there I sat last Friday, typing my four-page response to a motion, which, in my opinion was some of the best legal writing I've done in a long time, maybe ever, and not once (apparently) did I hit "Save."

Which wouldn't have been a problem, had my computer not done the ole "Install Updates and Restart" routine over the weekend, which meant that, when I arrived at work this morning, my precious response was gone, baby, gone.

You'd think that Microsoft Word would have saved the latest version of that document, and that it would have been waiting there for me in the document recovery pane, which I depend on way more than I should. Alas, when I clicked on the document entitled "Response to Motion [redacted]," the only thing that appeared on the page was "Comes now the Plaintiff, and responds in opposition to the Defendant's Motion [redacted]."

Four pages of hard work, down the drain.

Oh, the humanity.

How to Be American.

Get one of these:

And a couple of these:

And a BUNCH of these:

(cans, of course, because there's no glass in the pool), and have fun. Maybe get some barbecue potato chips, too.