I couldn't very well END this blog with a post about how I cheated my way through 7th grade math, could I???
So, I'm back. Another year older yet none the wiser. Still practicing the kind of law that pays peanuts and still living with my parents. A real success story.
I spent some time thinking about what my readers (should any of them decide to check back in) would want to know about the last year, and I decided that, even though most of my readers were (and I guess still are) men, y'all ALWAYS loved hearing about the extensive array of losers I managed to seek out and date. Call me cynical, but I believe there may have been some schadenfreude going on.
Thus, I have compiled a list of all of the dudes I've gone out with during the last year, or at least all of the ones I can remember without exerting too much effort. I figure that if my miserable dating life ends up providing some sort of entertainment for a few folks, then at least it won't have been in vain.
#1: Larry Dave
I dated Larry Dave from June 2010 until...well, until recently. But we were never serious. If you're at all familiar with Larry David (
Curb Your Enthusiasm), then you know why. Once, when I showed up at LD's apartment complex pool wearing, God forbid, a
one-piece bathing suit, he announced to everyone there (and to my horror and dismay) that I must have thought it was the nineteen-fucking-fifties. Such a sweetheart, that Larry Dave.
Of course, I can't really say that our failure to launch into a full-on relationship was
entirely LD's fault; there was that one time we were at SouthBound together and I made out with the
cutest 22-year-old right in front of him, but that's neither here nor there. I can't be responsible for what happens after a couple of shots of Jager.
I'd also like to mention that LD was the last smoker that I've dated, as I quit smoking shortly after we started seeing each other and haven't smoked since. It's been a year and two months!!!
#2: The Pilot
This was more of a long-distance type thing, due to his profession and the fact that he only flew to Knoxville every few weeks. It was a fun little affair (and no, he was NOT married), albeit somewhat shallow. But, I
did finally get my wings.
#3: The Russian
I've been known to peruse the Craigslist personal ads, mostly to look for myself as someone's Missed Connection (it hasn't happened yet, but I'm almost positive I'll see "Cute blonde in the black Mazda CX-7 picking her nose on Pellissippi Parkway" one of these days), but occasionally also to look at the Men Seeking Women ads. Don't judge.
Although this usually only serves to make me loathe the opposite gender, there have been exactly two times that I have found an ad worth replying to, and both times, said replies have resulted in dates. The first guy was nice but unbearably boring and didn't earn a spot on this list, mostly because I can't even remember his name. The second guy was The Russian.
The Russian was delightfully similar to me in personality, but also, unfortunately, in height. Call me shallow, but I really prefer a man who has a few inches on me. And yes, I realize how dirty that sentence sounds. I think what I liked most about The Russian was that he told me over and over how incredibly Jewish I seem, and given my near-obsession with the Chosen People, I took this as a total compliment.
#4: Joe Dirt
Philly has attempted to set me up with men two times this year, and Joe Dirt was the first. The initial red flag was that, upon meeting for our blind date, I recognized him as a friend of my friend LaToya's husband, which meant that we'd both been at LaToya's wedding and several other social gatherings. He, apparently, had found me to be extremely forgettable.
Also: Joe was an excavator. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, when he consistently complained that I talked about work too much (which, I didn't), I had to stop myself from saying: "Well, I can't help it that what I do is slightly more interesting than moving DIRT." Moving right along....
#5: The Bodybuilder
Philly's second attempt at setting me up was another...interesting experience. The Bodybuilder was a car salesman she met while car shopping a few months ago, and while he
was very nice to look at, he was, as most car salesmen tend to be, rather full of shit. Also, as much as I appreciate some nice muscles, anyone who goes to the gym seven days a week is either entirely too vain or sleeping with someone there, most likely another dude.
It only a took a few dates for us both to figure out that we weren't very interested in each other (I'm sure he wasn't impressed with my
lack of gym-going); however, I was
extremely impressed with myself on one of our dates, during which I picked up not one but
two other men, one of whom I went out with the very next weekend. So, I have The Bodybuilder to thank for that.
#6: Brutus Buckeye
Flash forward to the very next weekend. Brutus was a recent transplant from...you guessed it, Ohio. And I'm probably gonna piss off some people by saying this, but I have NEVER been a fan of people from Ohio. My disdain for Ohioans dates back to college, where there was a certain contingency from Cincinnati whom I found to be particularly obnoxious. Later encounters have only solidified my belief that, in terms of residents, Ohio is truly the armpit of America.
So, when I met Brutus and we immediately hit it off (despite the fact that he rooted for Ohio State, ugh), I was shocked. After our first date, I even came home and told Philly that I was pretty sure he was going to be my next boyfriend. Brutus apparently didn't feel the same way, at least not for long. After our third date in two weeks, he never asked me out again. I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but Brutus definitely made me more right about Ohioans than I already was.
#7: Andy Tin Roof (a.k.a. The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back)
Andy Tin Roof (which is how he's listed in my phone) was the other guy I managed to pick up while on my date with The Bodybuilder. We texted back and forth a few times, but I quickly lost interest after he asked me send him a picture of myself.
Sorry, dude. Not into that. It also kind of creeped me out (but, I'm not gonna lie, also intrigued me) that, when I told him to add me as a friend on Facebook, he said he wasn't on Facebook, "because he didn't want people to know his business." Hmmmm.
After a few weeks of not hearing from ATR, I received a text from him again last week. He wanted to know if I wanted to meet for drinks on Friday at 5.
Sure, I can do that. I had already planned to take the afternoon off and go to the pool, but I could leave the pool by 3:30 or so, get ready, and be out by 5. I was dying to know what this dude's story was.
At 4:53, as I was
just about to walk out the door (the place we were meeting is close to home), I got a text: "I got called out of town. Not going to make it. Sorry, sugar. We'll catch up soon."
Okay, first of all: Don't call me sugar. You don't even know me. Second of all: That story is bullshit. And third: Even if you
did have to go out of town, I'm
sure you could have told me more than seven minutes before our scheduled meeting time. I mean, for God's sake, I'd left the POOL for this crap.
And that was it. The straw that broke the camel's back. The next morning, I announced via Facebook status (which, obviously, means it's set in stone) that I'm taking a dating hiatus. For at least a few months. I just don't want to deal with any more disappointment for a while.
Naturally, the very night of my big announcement, I went out for drinks with a friend I've known for years and years, and he confessed that he wants to date me. I told him to call me in January.